A day in the life of a 7* pissed up, multifunctional, toilet cleaner

WhatsApp from Mum, "Darlin...are you alive?" followed by some updates from back home; the old Honda lawn mower lives on to fight another first cut of the year, one of the Jack Russells peed on the sitting room floor (nothing that the Daily Mail newspaper can't soak up) and which neighbour is being a pain in the arse lately, the usual.

Now I love my Mother dearly, but what seems to stick out of all her loveable gibberish most of all is the most laughable line yet "...for the love of God I do hope you aren’t burning the candle at both ends..." which had both me and my roommate up in stitches, as we both ironically lay on our bunks with pretty much all of our candles as burnt out as you can get 'em. I mean, how do I break it to her that I’m not only burning the candle at both ends; but that I’ve actually drenched the sodding thing in a bucket full of lighter fluid, torched it, hosed it down with an extra soaking of petrol, and chucked in a few aerosol cans in case that bitch aint gonna burn down quick enough. I mean, a typical day through the increasingly woozy eyes of a Yacht Stewardess looks a lil' something like this: 5.30am and default ‘carnival 2’ alarm on work phone goes off Hit snooze 5.35am and annoying carnival noise makes another appearance  Hit stop button through anger and allow weighty eyelids to rest ‘for just a couple more minutes’

Wake up somewhat forty five minutes later Panic Heave hung over and wheezy self up and jump down of ladderless bunk Land on roommates straightners Yelp ‘oh f**k!’ several times waking fellow hung over and wheezy roommate up in the process

Pick all the more fragile self up for a second time running Hop to bathroom on foot gone un-scalded from roommates straightners Cough lungs up Down two gallons of questionable tap water, a glass of Berocca, three paracetomols and half an ibuprofen (other half fell down plug hole)  Look in mirror Whoops bad idea Decide to never look in mirror again Take excruciating two minute body shower where water temperatures fluctuate between those recorded in the middle of a Siberian winter and what I now know a hair straightener is capable of rising too Dry self with damp and musty towel (you forgot to hang it up) Chuck on white polo shirt and grey skort unscathed from last nights Aperol Spritz sundowners sesh, that worryingly lives on to fight another day without a much required 180 degree hot wash cycle (forgot to hand laundry bag to laundry yesterday) Brush teeth, starting to feel like an angora sweater in there Stick hair that also lives on to fight another day without a much required 180 degree hot wash cycle up in messy bun 2 sprays of Rescue Remedy, what will today bring? Leave cabin Down a coffee from coffee machine demanding to be descaled for the 8th time this week (its Monday) Battle up crew corridor stairs, hopping over numerous galley provision crates, a mop bucket and half a box of special Japanese oranges Arrive at pantry Apologise profusely to billionnaire guests sat waiting on Main Deck Aft and give some heartbreaking excuse for poor punctuality and baring more of a resemblance to my neighbours late shitzu Marge, the usual ‘near miss encounter with a great white’ will do Shove some 'well that looks polished enough' silver cutlery, plates and glasses on breakfast table Throw some yellow and green things from the decor cupboard and a few orange poofy things from the flower room in the centre and call it a 'well put together' centrepiece Pop stale croissants and an assortment of questionable smelling jams on table

Shove a box of cereal that hasn’t been munched on by some weevils, some yoghurts in keeping of their expiry, the fruit carrying the fewest amount of fruit flies and a selection of so called ‘freshly squeezed’ juices on the table and convince everyone of a multi-million pound continental breakfast Make an Americano Make a Rooibus tea Make another coffee Froth some milk Call it a flat white F**k, wrong order Make a half coconut and half soy latte with Manuca honey on the side and call it a Coco-soy-manu-here's your f**king-latte Make a fresh green juice Shriek ‘shit shit shit!’ when you realise you forget to put the lid on Nutribullet Run to cabin and change into roommates freshly laundered white polo shirt Serve green juice

Make a Bloody Mary Shriek 'shit shit shit' again as Mt. Tropicana Tomato Juice carton erupts as it fell to the floor F**k it Serve so called Bloody Mary with a side serving of pantry floor soap in newly designed tomato tie dyed polo shirt Radio from galley, "Service!!" Serve some posh potty omelettes Serve some full English's specifically with no tomato, no beans, no sausage, no bacon (just an egg then) Sprint back to pantry and hover over sink for a while in attempt to hold back last night’s left over £3500 bottle of Malbec as smell of scrambled egg churns stomach upside down Clear breakfast things Doss about for a bit Wash up breakfast things Radio from housekeeping, "Can we have an extra hand in Cabin 3?" Run down to Cabin 3 Make a bed Fold guests clothes and deliberately place any dirty underwear/used condoms on top of the pillow to amuse oneself Put on guests slippers, feet a bit cold from aircon Clean a toilet Can’t hold back any longer Throw up in toilet Re-clean toilet Hoover Have a well deserved break and look through port hole guests attempting to jet ski and contemplate about life, i.e. whether or not there are actually any great whites out there in the surrounding waters of Greece Browse through rest of guests items and toiletries Spray fancy perfume on self Take a 2 minute power nap in another bed Re-make bed Clean another toilet Loo paper diamond fold Pat self on back having not thrown up in it Spray some windowlene on shower screens and wipe for a bit Fuck it that’ll do Catch up on latest celeb goss from magazine found in a bag whilst munching on a stale croissant Re-hoover trail of croissant crumbs  Do an interior round and radio, "interior check complete" Prepare lunch table Serve lunch Get guests drunk on copious amounts of Whispering Angel Rose Clear lunch Check cabins Another, "interior check complete" Doss about in-between more cabin checks, interior rounds, loo paper diamond folds and servings of Whispering Angel, Frozen Margaritas and Coco-soy-manu-here's your f**king-latte Radio from Chief Stew, "Soph, Soph, Chief...you can go on on break, see you in 2 hours!" Oversleep and see her in 3 Apologise profusely and whip out great shark encounter excuse once more Galley inform you it's sushi night Prepare a 16 step fancy napkin fold to cleverly resemble a special Japanese fish but merely reminds you of your first pet fat goldfish named Fluffy Repeat said fancy fat goldfish napkin fold another 12 times and lay dinner table

Prepare and decanter £4k red bottle of choice Light some candles Accidentally set light to white gloves Start silver service Try and prevent fancy watercress salad from blowing in the wind over guests...and fail Spill some Edamame beans Drop a slither of salmon on white table cloth Congratulate self having missed his billionaire crotch entirely Serve some panna-cotta and rename it 'panna-I gotta think of a new career path' Half-heartedly wash up stuff whilst slurping on leftover £4k wine with fellow stewies Accompany guests ashore where they'll spend the rest of the night sipping their way through Corfu Sip on a Heineken with one of the deckies whilst waiting for the guests from the tender And another... ...and another Flirt with good looking chap standing in the distance Have sudden moment of clarity and realise it’s just a 'Beware of the high tides' safety sign Guests text in, "Ready to leave!" Thank f**k Drive back Shuffle tipsy self up ladderless bunk sometime later once all guests have gone to bed Set alarm for 5.30am Proudly pat self on back having survived another day in the office

...I’m essentially pursuing a career no more than that of a permanently pissed up multifunctional toilet cleaner, but apart from that, I'm all good and alive thank you Mum.